Feb 06

A Fictional(?) Personal Statement

The college process can be a tricky one. Much like the krebs cycle or putting clothes on in the morning, I’ve found the college process both confounding and confuddling. I found it even more so after I got deferred—although that may very well have happened because I think that “confuddling” is a word. Things didn’t make any sense after I got deferred. I would walk around crying, eating Nutella directly out of the jar, saying to myself, “I don’t understand! There was an 80% chance of this happening, and yet for some reason I feel the need to complain about this occurrence.” I said this wailing, of course. Though I can’t for the life of me figure out how on earth I could have possibly ever been deferred, I’m confident of one thing: it definitely wasn’t my personal statement. My personal statement was, to say the least, phenomenal. And as a result, I’ve decided to share it with all of you today:


Oh hi, college admissions officer. I didn’t see you there. Sorry for my appearance, I’m all sweaty because I just got back from my Brazilian dance fighting for impoverished youth program. I help teach kids in low-income communities how to dance fight, so that they can both get in touch with their musical creativity, and develop the ability to defend themselves from the wolves that I’ve heard prowl low-income neighborhoods. Clearly, I am a caring person who loves the poor and am multicultural because I do something that comes from another country.

I also do many other things to get into college…I mean, for fun. I am the best Geophone player in the United States. The geophone, in case you did not know, is an instrument invented by Olivier Messian, specifically for his piece “Des Canyons aux Etoiles.” You, of course, knew that, as you are an admissions officer at the finest school in the country. As you can see from my knowledge of early 70’s French orchestral composition, I am very cultured. I also know a lot about French film, and I’d like to say that “Hot Shots Part Deux” is a great movie.

In addition to playing an instrument, helping the poor, and doing a sport, I also have a job. On weekends, I work for a local supermarket as a shelf stocker. It’s hard work (do you know what aisle to find non-refrigerated dairy products in?). My responsibilities include stocking shelves. Also, I sometimes steal gushers from the inventory room. In all fairness to me though, they’re gushers. Who wouldn’t steal them?

Leadership, of course, is also important. I am firmly of the belief that there are three types of people in this world: wolves, sheep, and weird hybrids birthed from interbreeding between the two that, much like other hybrid species, grow to be incapable of reproduction. I am a wolf. In addition to having a furry underbelly, I am assertive, confident, goal-oriented, levelheaded, creative, and I like to eat raw flesh. I am the leader of the local Young Financiers’ Club, in which we dole out pretend loans to pretend borrowers at pretend exorbitant interest rates. We also dabble in losing people’s money in fake bubbles, and asking our parents for bailouts. This strategy, in my short tenure as President, has been very effective for us, as it has resulted in multiple Chuck E. Cheese runs.

Naturally, it’s not solely about what I do outside of school. It’s also about what I do within it. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what I’d like to study in college. Personally, I want it to be something “interdisciplinary.” I know you guys find that important, or whatever. I had originally wanted to study history or political science, but apparently those are very commonly chosen majors. As a result, I chose Women’s Studies as my tentative major. I think I may want to minor in Art History as well. Upon finding these things out my guidance counselor (as well as disgruntled students) approached me and accused me of trying to play to the system by making myself fill a specific niche that a school is looking for. Don’t fear, college officer. These claims are ridiculous. I love women’s studies. And that Rembrandt guy? He’s great. The Milkmaid is one of my all time faves.

In conclusion, please accept me. I am a multicultural, community service oriented, hard working leader who only wants to go to a great school. And drink all the time. If you accept me, you will not regret it. The school might. But you certainly won’t.

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