Feb 06

My Very Own Senior Profile

Being a staff member on Campus can be rough. You can’t be quoted in any articles, you always have a deadline hanging over yourself, and worst of all, you can’t be the focus of a senior profile. Senior profiles are (or at least used to be) the highest honor in all of Edgemont. If you received a senior profile, you were probably going to become President someday. As someone who has always wanted to be President, the prospect of not receiving a profile devastated me.  Fortunately, one of the few perks of writing for Campus is also getting to write whatever I want. And so I figured that I might as well take the opportunity to give myself the senior profile I’d never get otherwise.

AJ Stoughon is, for lack of a better word, interesting. Not interesting like the Dos Equis guy, though. Interesting like one of those homeless men who approaches you on the street asking for money, yet looks a little too clean to be homeless, thus begging the question as to whether he is homeless, or perhaps just down on his luck but technically in a place of residence. He’s also a little semantic.

Many know AJ as the guy who writes the back page for Campus. What few know about him is that his real name is Andrew. “Wow, that’s really interesting,” said a nameless freshman that I told this to. In fact, there are a variety of things that people don’t know about AJ. First of all, he’s a Republican. “Yeah that’s true,” said he. “I do identify as Republican. That being said, I do believe in global warming, gay marriage, elements of environmentalism, and the value of the social safety nets that we have in this country.” What a radical. So whom does he support in 2012? “As of now, Obama. Though I find some of his policies to be a little bit too left of center, I think that, in light of Romney’s lackluster performance in the passing month, he’s the most competent candidate running in 2012. And competence trumps all.” Among the reasons he cited for his Republicanism were “a belief in personal responsibility,” “a conviction in the importance of the implementation of government on a local level so as to improve governmental responsiveness,”  “a belief that over-regulation and bureaucracy detrimentally affects businesses’ abilities to thrive efficiently,” and “tha government sux yo.” Ok, maybe I added in that last part.

Another little known fact about AJ is that he loves to brew his own homemade soft drinks. “No I don’t,” he once said to me, when I told him this. When he’s not in his underground brewery, AJ is also an avid hockey fan. “Go Rangers—best team in the NHL.” I tried to engage him on this point, but I don’t like sports and hockey is for weird people. Fortunately for me, I remembered that he also does improvisational comedy. When it comes to improv, few go harder than AJ Stoughton. “AJ concussed himself during an improv session once,” senior Barry Lytton shared. “That’s not even a joke. He legitimately just hit his head on the floor and got a concussion.”

Of course, AJ would be nowhere without his friends. “AJ is one of the greatest friends I have ever known,” said senior Krishan Mistry. “That’s what you’re supposed to say in these things, right?” A majority of his other friends (i.e. 3 of them, you do the math on that one), shared the same sentiment. “AJ is great…?” said senior Evan Harary, who didn’t seem to have any recollection of who AJ was.

So perhaps AJ’s friends don’t seem to care for, or even know, AJ all that much. Luckily for him, there is a group of kids on campus who are unquestionably fond of him—the munners! Along with seniors Alex Sganga and Matt Buonaguro, AJ heads our school’s Model United Nations delegation. The delegation goes on three conferences a year, which are known for being fun, rigorous, and incredibly destructive to hopes of academic success. When asked why he does MUN, he simply replied, “for the Bi****s.” Clearly, he is a man of priorities.

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