Jan 17

Four Ways To Defuse The Iran Problem

It’s no secret that the U.S. (and the rest of the West, for that matter), is developing a bit of an “Iran Problem.” For those of you who have not read the news recently (and by recently, I mean the last three or four years), Iran is allegedly trying to develop the capability to make nuclear weapons, and we are trying to stop them. Why are we trying to stop them? Well, because they have an unstable government, could bomb Israel, and are trying to develop weapons that threaten international security. Also, as a sovereign nation, they don’t get to decide what to do with their own resources.

Because that's how freedom works.

Needless to say, the moral imperative to prevent Iran from arming itself is absolute. As the situation descends deeper and deeper into conflict, people (if you can call pundits people) are beginning to talk more and more about the possibility of armed conflict. This would be disastrous. After spending ten years in Afghanistan fighting Al Quaeda, and eight years in Iraq fighting…umm….fighting, it would be disastrous if we actually had to engage in an armed conflict with another country over a concrete threat to national security. Granted, that’s not to say that our mission in Afghanistan wasn’t justified. Rather, the objective simply has been muddled as time has gone one. Iraq on the other hand was, is, and will always be, a waste of American money, time, and most importantly, lives. Anyway. War would be terrible, simply by virtue of it being war. As a result, I’ve come up with a well thought out plan to help defuse the tension between the two.

1. Yoga Retreat

Yoga retreats are famous for bringing people together.

Literally, the only reason I'm here is because of how he can stretch my hammies.

Yoga has an enormously calming influence. It’s focused on meditation, peace, and introspection– all important things in negotiating over nuclear weapons. This is, in my opinion, the best option we have. How can anyone possibly think about blowing something up when you’re doing this:

I am one with the world.

Thinking about it again, actually, this might not be the best idea– unless of course the only goal is to see Ahmadinejad in yoga pants, in which case it’s probably the best idea.

2. Unite Against a Smaller Country

If you’ve ever seen two bullies begin to fight, you know that the fisticuffs always end in both bullies beating up the nerdy kid with glasses who was trying to stop the fight in the first place.

Please, like I was trying to stop it.

That is the sort of thing that we need to happen here. If we can gang up on one country together, we could get out all of our violent urges, stimulate our economies with war, and then become friends as we grab a beer afterwards and reminisce about giving Argentina the biggest proverbial noogie of its life.

Already gave it to them guys. Remember the Falklands?


3. Sit down to negotiations in an attempt to find common ground upon which to negotiate the cessation of sanctions and the relinquishment of nuclear arms.

This idea is dumb.


4. Write Love Letters To Each Other

I was reading an article on Yahoo News…I mean, a friend of mine was reading an article on Yahoo News…that said that in order to strengthen your relationship, it’s good that you and your partner write love letters to each other. Though I haven’t consulted any yet, I’m sure that many political pundits will laud this as a savvy move (at least those pinkos on MSNBC will). Jokes, of course. We all know that they’re full-on Communists, not sympathizers. I don’t know if this will work well between two countries, but if it works between two people, then I don’t see any reason why it shouldn’t work between two governments.

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