Senior year is, expectedly, a stressful time in one’s life. You have to apply to college, you have a harder course load, and you have more responsibility in your extra curricular activities. It can be a lot to handle. So to help deal with the some of the stress, I recently went over to my uncle’s house to get some advice. Here’s what he told me. “AJ, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that you should always write about holidays for the back page of Campus. Also, you should never show girls your extensive collection of Magic cards. Girls don’t like Magic cards.” Half of that advice was very sound. This article is about Thanksgiving, so I’ll let you infer which half of the advice that exactly was.
Anyway, let’s move on to Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is awesome. You know why it’s awesome, so I’m not going to waste your time (but more importantly my time) by explaining the awesomeness of Thanksgiving to you. I’ll leave it at this: you get to eat a lot, it’s on my birthday this year, and it celebrates the beginning of our brutal colonization and exploitation of the Native Americans. All in all, it’s a pretty sweet holiday. Nonetheless, as always, I’m here to give you advice as to how exactly you common folk can have the best holiday gatherings possible. Here are some tips for Thanksgiving.
1. Don’t Serve Steak
Serving both steak and turkey on Thanksgiving has been fairly common at Thanksgiving feasts for the last decade or so, perhaps longer. It’s a reasonable thing to do; there’s no reason to make life difficult for those who don’t like turkey, right? Now I’m just kidding of course. People who don’t like turkey suck. Regardless, I suppose it’s fair that food be served for those heathens as well. What worries me though, is that in some houses steak has begun to usurp turkey as the primary staple of the feast. First of all, everyone knows that the yams with marshmallows and the stuffing are the staples of the feast. Secondly, eating steak instead of turkey on Thanksgiving is an act of terrorism. Seriously, a family of Wiccans who decided to eat steak on Thanksgiving once destroyed the entire town of Anchorage, Alaska. That’s a fact.
2. Thaw Your Turkey Before You Fry It
This is actually very serious advice. If you fry a frozen turkey, you will die.
3. If You’re Going To Fry Your Turkey, Make Sure It’s a Turducken
There is one meat that can be substituted for turkey, and that is turducken. For those of you wondering what a turducken is, it’s quite simple. If you stuff a chicken inside of a duck, and then stuff that inside of a turkey, you will get a turducken. Once you have made your turducken, fry it. It’s sort of like the “Inception” of fried foods, but better, because “Inception” is really, really, really overrated.
4. Watch The Football Game(s)
Thanksgiving is a time for family and, by extension, inclusion. It’s important that everyone have a nice time feasting and gorging and ignoring the ever-present problem of global hunger. That’s why it’s so important to watch football. Everyone loves football, especially women. I still remember my mother’s joy last year when I made our entire extended family watch the Lions game. “Honey,” she said, “This is what you do every Sunday instead of doing your homework. Wouldn’t you rather talk to and spend time with your family? You don’t get to see them very often, and some of them might not be around too much longer for you to see. Besides, football sucks.” My mom has got quite the biting sarcasm, as you can see.
5. Give Thanks
This may seem like fairly obvious advice, but I also thought that “Don’t stand behind moving vehicles,” was also fairly obvious advice, and my childhood dog Muffins sure didn’t follow it. (I miss you very much, Muffins.) I’m just kidding of course. My dog’s name wasn’t Muffins. But in all seriousness, it’s important that we be thankful for all that we have at this time of year. It’s getting cold out, times aren’t easy, and though there are countless exceptions, our community has weathered the last few years much more successfully than a lot of other communities. I don’t want to get too moralistic or sentimental here though. Either way, enjoy your respective Thanksgivings, however you all may be celebrating. A last word of advice though: please buy me presents. I’m turning 18, and my parents aren’t all that enthused about buying their “adult son” presents, or continuing to give him room and board. Thanks.